


Non. Je ne regrette rien!

by Shinigamy



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Berthold Brecht, Cheating, Drug Use, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humor, M/M, Multi, Oh also there is blood, Teatime is actually a decent person beside him being him, Theatre Kids, Unashamed nakedness, a lot of sexual jokes, either way hard to get out white clothes, honestly they all need to get some help, nerds, no one is a decent person in there, sometimes reap sometimes fake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-24 07:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamy/pseuds/Shinigamy
Summary: Student life is a mess, but so is Jonathan Teatime. And between the stage, studying, two jobs and his idiot friends, who are equally as questionable as him, should be absolutely no time for inappropriate feelings.It's a bunch of shorts I wrote the last years and while they follow the timeline they are not really a whole story. Just scenes.





	1. Delivery service.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome human being, you may have found your way here through a path of questionable choices, and if you wish to proceed please do so. But be warned of the mind erasing content of silliness. It may have dark twists and turns not every soul dares to challenge as it contains the sweet moments of life.  
> Carry on and be brave!

Susan sighed and turned her back to the stage now facing Havelock.  
"For fucks sake is he naked again? While tap dancing and reciting Brecht?" The man with the sharp face nodded and looked at the lightened stage which was almost empty. Almost. He gave the display a grim smile, too used to his erm friends exhibitional ambitions.  
"I suppose, but he chose Brecht so it's actually reasonable for once." She sighed, more than glad to be over with it, actually she just came here to deliver him some papers, but to be frank what did she expect of Teatime? Probably exactly this, he was dramatic as some used to say. If they were polite. Susan knew he was a dramatical mess. With a nice butt though to be fair. And he wasn't a bad actor at all if he chose to leave his clothes on for once.  
Which was quite rare, and even more rarely justified. So she just gave Vetinari the papers and left the auditorium, careful not to look at her ex. "So why did she break up again?" A voice asked from a seat in the dark. Edward was spread all over it like a king. "He slept with her teacher to get her good grades." Edward stared at Havelock for a moment until he blinked, asking the real questions.  
"Did it work?"  
"Yes."  
"Which one?"  
"Balourd."  
"Well she wouldn't have been able to do that." Both nodded slowly. This made sense. "A very reasonable break up though." Edward shrugged at the reminder to think like a decent human being. They all had some problems with that, they were actors, they had other priorities. But there was nothing wrong with acting like a decent person. "I do wonder..." Vetinari rolled his eyes and sat down watching the now whirling around Jonathan on the stage. "Ask him not me. And while you're at it tell him not to waste too much fake blood for this scene."


	2. A little hung up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friends are ready to stick with you 'till the very end, even if that means you don't want them sticking their noses in your business. Or sticking to the ceiling more or less.

"Let. Me. Down."  
He hissed from the ceiling and wiggled around furiously.   
"I am afraid we can't do so."  
"Not until we get answers!"  
"You mean you, it was your ridiculous idea."  
"Oh don't you dare putting that on me so you won't get murdered, you are as curious as me and agreed to help."  
"But trapping him?"  
Alice snapped at Edward below, sadly half the theatre group was already home so Jonathan couldn't hope for help, not that they would have, he knew that. But if they already hung him up on the stage ceiling then he demanded all the attention and of course a decent revenge.  
"Hello I am still here!"  
"You did build the trap! Don't act so innocent."  
"I swear if I get down you both get killed."  
"See? This is fair." Edward pointed up to the trapped Jonathan, whose head was not only red by too much blood in the head but pure anger.  
"Alice, please he has a point, it's only fair, now if you please continue as we didn't intend to torture him." Vetinari sat in the first row on one of the red seats with crossed legs and a mildly amused expression.  
"Maybe."  
"Ok Johnny boy, speak or stay up there."  
"Speak about what, you didn't even say what, now let me down so I can cut your limbs of and push them up your arse!"  
"Why did you sleep with Balourd?"   
"And did it work?"  
"How is he in bed?"  
"You... You shitheads let me down, this is why I am up here???!"  
Three question and one exclamation mark was a simple sign of rage turning into blind furious madness. However he was in no position to change anything and he knew it, and no matter how furious, he had to respect their abilities to disarm and trap him. It took some effort to stay rather calm, but he was a professional, which meant he would try to argue and then kill them slowly in the most painful way he could think of.  
"Let me down and I will answer."  
"You won't." All three said, knowing him too well, not that they would be any different. But it was nice to live that illusion for a few seconds.   
Jonathan harrumphed defeated as at least one was simple enough to answer. "Alright, fine. Yes it worked he took care she didn't fail arts." Silence filled the theatre room for a brief moment. Then all three nodded in approval of the success, it's always good if it works, even if the conditions are under a certain state of "somehow". Indeed a very splendid. Though it was not over yet for the blond curled man.  
"But that was only one question."  
Alice Band received a glare for that, but she was used to this, though the young man's glares were as impressive as rare. He rather grinned people down.   
"So how is he?"  
"Ask him not me."  
"I ask you."  
"Why do you even care? He is gay. None of your business." To be fair he had a point, but curiosity was a funny little thing as people loved to put their noses into things that were none of their business.   
"Out of all the person's you want to tell me about privacy and decent behaviour?" She rolled her eyes in a big manner at him.  
"I want to know it too." Edward chimed into the bickering.   
"I have a good reason to!" He added and winked at Jonathan.  
"No you don't"   
Why was he hanging here again? Oh yes because his so called friends considered it reasonable to get some informations on his sex life and all the gossip behind it by trapping him in ropes above the stage pretty close to the ceiling with knots that looked rather dubious. And people called him bonkers.   
The upset Edward puffed his cheeks and ran backstage to gather one of the lamp correctors. He poked Jonathan in the cocoon of ropes. For that he received a simple eyeroll. Well until... he felt the rope getting loose and slid for a split moment, which made his hard skip a little beat, before beating in a sturdy and fast mantra to please remain alive, at least until their dernière. Growling he gave in, he wasn't going to die for such stupid questions.   
"Shi.... He's amazing. He teaches you the entire language of carnal desire in one night and it ain't a boring lesson. Happy? Balourd is out of your league Eddie." Before anything could unfold Havelock coughed gently and put a hand on the red heads shoulder before he could use Jonathan as Pinãta or actually make him fall and break his neck. Vetinari made it look easy as he wrestled the younger man down and took a seat on his back, casually looking back up.   
"Good now to the last question. Why?"   
"You know why, the grades."  
For a brief second they stared at each other, one because he knew that wasn't true and the other because he knew that too but there was no reason not to remain stubborn.  
"That is one why, but not the whole one. There was more behind that, not her grades, she would have failed then, so what? You knew she could take it."  
"I don't know what you are talking about. I did it so she can be happy that she won't fail."  
"Don't play dumb Teatime, because of all the things you are, dumb isn't one of them."  
Another unneccessary staredown followed and this time the hung up man gave in but not entirely.   
"Will you let me down if I tell it and give me the permission to murder these two?"  
"You don't need my permission, but if that is what makes you happy, I will grant it. But keep it mediocre, as we have a play to do next week."  
"After the play?"  
"Feel free."  
"Fine. There was nothing left to save the relationship."  
"Well you fucked it up."  
"Shut it Ed."  
"I know but why?"  
"She felt too guilty to break up because she is into this asshole. So I made it easier."  
"This Ludd? How long did it-" Alice asked curious. "-take, until they dated?"  
"Three days." Vetinari answered for the blond man above while Edward has calmed down and now pondered over the answers.  
"But why let her go and give her a reason? Normally you would do any kind of stupidity to win her back. Not the opposite. I mean it was still stupid but..."   
"We were both unhappy. I made her unhappy, it was a disaster. And if I couldn't change the happening why not make it quick and easy to her and at least a little pleasurable for me? What was I supposed to do? Break up because she has eyes for someone else? She would have been upset and tried to stay with me only to prove that I am wrong. She was too stubborn. I told her if something is bothering her she shall talk about it." It was impossible to shrug in this trap he noticed.  
"You still come up and annoy her frequently though, doesn't look like acceptance." Band remarked with an eyeroll.  
"She would bore to death with this guy, if it weren't for me."  
"How considerate of you."  
"Admittedly that guy is dull."  
"So very normal."  
"Boring."  
All four nodded.   
"She likes normal."  
"Normal is alright."   
"I guess." Vetinari let go of the redhead and straightened his clothes while Edward remained down on his stomach muttering something about being a great lover and coughed as inhaled the dust from the dirty stage.

A sudden knock disturbed the theatre hall and the door opened on the other side of the large room.   
"A-apologies." He shyly walked forward as if he expected the group to digest him, which could happen but wasn't realistic, as he was far too thin to make a proper meal for three. He paused and looked up. Four. His face turned red and he tried to count to calm down again, but as soon as his mind reached the four, blood started rushing into his face. So he tried to focus on the red haired man on the stage floor who grinned at him in a weird manner. It was still better than looking up.   
"S-sorry but i was told that would find a Tea-time in here. Do you happen to..." "It's pronounced teh-ah-ti-mey and yes what do you want from me?" It chimed from above but he couldn't bring himself to lift his head again, honestly he doubted he would ever be able to look that guy straight in the eyes(?) ever again. "I... Errr."   
"See I told you I am intimidating."  
"No you are hanging naked off the ceiling."  
"And whose fault is that?"  
"Not yours for once. But..."  
"Nuh uh, no buts. I didn't ask you where you learned to use ropes like this. You owe me one Alice."  
"Oh god." Stibbons muttured.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time we ponder over some things.

"Ponder?"  
The young student looked up from the disk he was currently soldering.  
"Yes sir?"  
"For the love of... stop talking aloud while thinking. Others try to work as well."  
Ponder blinked at the broad bearded professor until he looked down at his work ashamed. "Of course sir, sorry."  
"Good good. Now why were you muttering about cheese, boy?"  
"Oh sir you see cheese is what I've called the catalyst."  
"Why would you do that?"  
"Well it accelerates the program."  
"I know what a catalyst does Stibbons I am old, not stupid, but why cheese?"  
"I named the program "Rats" so..."  
Ridcully rubbed his forehead and sighed defeated. "Why?"  
"Well you see sir it's a joke."  
Rolling his eyes and huffing the old professor turned around and walked to his chair while muttering something under his breath that did sound suspiciously like a: "my life is a joke." And drew out his mug for coffee. Everyone knew it was not containing just coffee but something way stronger. But they wouldn't argue with it. Being a professor at this faculty was hard. The technology changed and developed daily and no matter how much they tried to stay up to date, they couldn't do more but teaching the basics and giving the students projects, while talking about their time, when one computer was filling rooms and you had enough time for a second breakfast while the machine pondered over some numbers. Now those projects helped the students develop and the university to show off brilliance without having to pay for it. Instead they were getting payed. What a truly brilliant system. But Ridcully was someone who hated to be left behind, thus he was only happy when insulting something and move on with a strong drink, feeling like he taught the student an important life lesson. Like that no matter how clever you are, you might end up as a professor. Or, yes that work is brilliant but nothing keeps others from insulting you anyway, deal with it or go back to your mother. Of course those lessons weren't generally loved, but the professor knew how to carry the burden.   
Ponder sighed and returned to work, now carefully keeping his mouth shut. But now he couldn't think freely anymore which meant other thoughts returned. Like the picture from last evening. He hadn't expected that student to... He didn't even know what he hadn't expected or what it was anyway. The professor of literature had assigned them to work together. On a book. Sadly Stibbons had never seen this Teatime in the course before, as the man had never attended them actively, even though he had heard some positive words from the professor. "A creative mind." He recalled and didn't dare to doubt it. The only thing reassuring him, about the project was, that his partner didn't hung himself up there naked, but his... Colleague or girlfriend or whoever she was did it.   
Lucky her. He swatted at his last thought like a fly. Sadly it returned a few times after that again. Like any proper fly would, until it found another victim or got killed. It refused to do anything of these two options.   
"Stibbons, you are mumbling again!"  
"Oh no..."  
"Oh yes."  
"Apologies..."

After the course has ended he staggered nervously out the room. The next lesson was literature but this time he wasn't going. Despite the horrible first meeting one of his project partners friends gave him an address, telling him, that Teatime happened to work there most of the time and only attended the earliest courses. Something Ponder passionately avoided because nothing was more horrible than getting out the bed early after tinkering into the late night. He pushed his round glasses up and looked around. Once again he felt like a criminal for not attending but he needed to meet his partner for the project, so he unfolded the tiny note again and inhaled briefly. So a drive through the city it was, and this time hopefully more dressed and not some creepy place. So much could go wrong, his brain whispered as he mounted the metro. So much will go wrong, it reminded him as he left it and walked up the stairs to reorientate. Suddenly he stood in front of the library and pushed his glasses up once again. "This is surprisingly normal."   
"What did you expect? Now shut up Harry Potter and move out my way, you are in the door." An old woman nagged and pushed him aside to get outside and then left, constantly bickering about the impolite youth. Stibbons stared after her confused and embarrassed but then shook his red head and finally entered the building. It was a library, a small plain comfortable library. Nothing creepy or horrible or embarrassing, except for old grumpy people of course but they were part of the inventory. He didn't see him sitting at the service point so he strolled inside to check out the books on electronic engineering and he was surprised that there actually was some assortment he pulled one out before noticing the blond curled man sorting back others. And he was clothed. Stibbons couldn't bring himself to give this thought an emotional weight. This was too dangerous. "Excuse me?"  
Teatime looked up at him from two bright blue eyes. Ponder counted confused, trying to remember a difference to last evening. Two eyes seemed normal, yes. Maybe. He had his attention drawn elsewhere.   
"Oh you are the boy from yesterday, you actually found your way. Sorry I was a little too... hung up last time." Jonathan winked at him and Stibbons stared back down on the floor. It was not hiding his red face though. "I noticed yes. So..."  
"Literature, creative writing yes? Oh my he is having partner projects again? I told him those will end up horribly, just like last time." Jonathan chimed as he had already continued his work. "Not ours of course."   
Stibbons lifted his head to look at him. "I swear. Now any plans? Ideas?"  
This guy didn't seem like shutting up anytime soon. "Come one. You came to me so you need at least something."  
"It's a partner work. I thought..."  
"This is why I am asking."  
"Cyborgs."  
"Cyborgs?"  
"Cyborgs!"  
"Brilliant."  
"Really?"  
"No not quite, but something to work with but as you see I am working here, like most of the time. So if you want to do a partner project and not turn it in alone and charge me for being an asshole, I suggest you come here so we can work on it. Unless you want to walk into another theatre session, then you may try it after the training."  
"NO!"  
Jonathan looked at him scandalised and gasped in over dramatic fashion.  
"You didn't like what you've seen? I am hurt!" A tomato replaced not only ponders face but also his brain.  
"I mean I ... No no this wasn't meant in a mean way I just... Oh god."  
"Calm down it was a joke. But come to our play next week."


	4. Let's write history!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you suffer bad literature?   
> Are you in need for a change?  
> Well you have come to the wrong place.

Ponder couldn't believe it quite yet, but he had to work with the most chaotic person he ever met. Despite this guy working in a library, his notes and writings were messy, nothing was in order and with little doodles in between. Jonathan appeared to be jumpy in general, unless he was very interested in a topic or person. Right now his real eye seemed to drift off elsewhere, since Ponder started talking. Not that he cared, most people drifted off when he started talking. He probably would have cared if he had the capability to read minds or enough empathy to notice that the student was more or less drooling over him. Not that Ponder would have been able to believe that, there couldn't be anyone being interested and thinking of him as cute, ever. Surprisingly enough his new project partner answered anyway as if he payed attention in his half sleep. It was unsettling.   
"So... That is the plot you came up with?" Jonathan stopped him from elaborating his idea for another twenty minutes.  
"Erm yes basically."  
"You can't just steal the shadowrun setting even tho it basically consists of fanfiction and theories."  
"How..."  
"Library, I work here. I read the saga. And it's not that unknown, nerd."  
Stibbons stared at his notes embarrassed. He wasn't good with creativity, honestly why did they even have to write a fiction novel?   
"At least I prepared something..."   
Jonathan rolled his eye at the embarrassed and pouty boy. The problem was not the stealing of this setting, the problem was, it was too obvious. Everyone stole some ideas somehow, somewhere, even if unconsciously. But a good author hid it well and painted the old horse in a fresh colour. But Stibbons was a beginner, with no talent for writing or telling stories so far. So Teatime had to adapt to that and only one genre was not only forgiving but straight up fitting this IT-Student.   
"How about a love story?" Jonathan suggested and grinned at the younger student like a cat.  
"What why?" Asked Stibbons confused.   
"They sell no matter how much they suck!"  
"I thought we want to write a good project?" Once again the question was answered with an eye roll. Newbies.  
"It just has to suck less than most others and it's declared a masterpiece." Jonathan chimed and pushed a few books with suspicious titles towards Stibbons. "Read those until next time."   
"I can't do that!"  
"Why?"  
"Those are horrible!" Ponder slowly seemed to catch onto the topic.  
"Exactly. You want to learn how to do it, you learn from the worst to avoid their mistakes."   
"Those aren't even love novels... They are..." Ponder desperately gestured into the air to avoid the oh so forbidden words.   
"Handpicked with the worst sex scenes I have ever read in my entire life and I want you to take notes why exactly they are so horribly bad!"  
"I couldn't tell."  
"This could be changed." Teatime gave him a wink and chuckled.   
"What?"  
"What?"


End file.
